READ THIS If there’s a maxim I’ve always stuck by it’s this: You can take the bear out of Montana, but you just can’t take the Montana out of the bear. You just can’t It’s like horses and water or whatever. So when I read about these bear cubs being moved from Montana to Cleveland I knew there were going to be issues. They were in this zoo for 12 days and gained 20 pounds?! Fuck! Shit! See that’s why I’ve always had a problem with Ohio. Just fattening things up left and right.
Next thing we know these bears are going to be some metaphor for our great American country. “Oh they just kill things, get fat and act like cowboys all day” Well I’ll tell you what brother, cowboy bears are a fucking force to be reckoned with. You ever seen a bear throw a lasso? It’s like a fucking laser beam. You won’t get out, it’s going to hurt, it’s always going to be on target, and the last thing you see are going to be the deep, black eyes of Ursus arctos horribilis gleefully eating you. Let’s step backward for a moment. The grizzly bear has a the world HORRIBILIS in it’s scientific name. What else do I need to say to show you that these things are fucking terrible?
Sidenote: the zoo wants patrons to name these two animals. I move for 1) Baloney, and 2) Yellow. I’d kill to have a bear named Yellow. Thanks to Joelle for this article!