This blog isn't actually about bears in trees

Posts Tagged: punch

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Well here’s some shit. The Grolar Bear is a real thing. Also sometimes called the pizzly bear, it’s a mutant super-freak bear product of grizzly on polar bear sexings. And it’s bullshit! Not bullshit in the sense that it doesn’t exist, because it’s been documented, but bullshit on the fact that it does exist! We don’t need bears to torment us in the first place but now we have basically the Thundercats Megazord motherfucker combining the worst bears into one evil creature.

If kodiaks or those crazy Japanese bears got involved I’d simply move to Europe. They don’t have bears over there, right? Just foxes for fox hunts, right? I can deal with that shit. A fox? Ha! After seeing these mighty, more than likely irradiated experiment mutant bears a fox would be like a house pet. In fact the only nice thing about these mutant bears is that when I challenge them to bare knuckle duels and win I’ll be beating two birds bears with one stone. Take that, nature!

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Did you see that? Fucking bear just broke the shit out of that single file line and whomped that lady in the face. Dumbass horn blowing woman didn’t even see it coming. She’s all “what’s wrong?!” and KAPLOW smacked in the face. And then I noticed something: THAT BEAR IS NICHOLAS CAGE. I’m not sure what documentary this comes from, but I’m sure it was one of those “following a heard of bears through the wilderness to get information about them” type things. Some Jane Goodall Shit. And Nic Cage is there. This means either Nic Cage is A) A bear, or B) Totally fucking insane in the membrane, but I’d rather go with C) Both. The guy’s just batshit nutso. If you came up to him like "Hey Nic, I want you to be in a movie about a bear stealing meatloaf from the White House. That’s it. No real plot at all. But I want you to be the bear AND the meatloaf" Cage would be like "LET’S FUCKING DO IT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’M NIC CAGE BITCH!". Guy’s just pretty out there. That’s all I’m sayin’.

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