Bears In Trees.

Do you see this fucking bear? I feel like I’m in Star Wars or something. Mother fucking Darth Vader bear! This thing is scary as shit! It’s like every nightmare I’ve ever had all warped into one super frightening beast. And it doesn’t even look real!?!?. Anyway, I feel like Mother Nature just bitch slapped the fuck out of me because who knew Iran/Pakistan had bears? Isn’t it all desert and mine fields? Don’t bears need woods to murder? Can bears dodge mines?

So I had every intention of doing a Bro Bear update and then I came across this article and got bitched slapped a few more times. Firstly, apparently Iran and Pakistan do have bears, called the Baluchistan bear, but only like 20 of them. How the fuck do you have 20 bears? And then I read they thought it went extinct, but were wrong. Cmon how do you fuck that up? And apparently they figured all of this out at the International Conference on Bear Management & Research. There’s an international conference for this shit!? What the fuck. People actually are employed to meet and talk about bears? You’re cockdam kidding me. But I guess Iran and Pakistan don’t really give a fuck because neither country will put this dude on the endangered list. I like your style Iran/Pakistan. Keep the fight alive. If these bears can’t survive your wartorn wasteland on their own then fuck ‘em, right? No need to preserve a species ammirite?

Well who knew this would happen? Certainly not this guy. I never even expected to take on the lucrative role as a bear-hate blogger (official title: Bear Awareness Commentator) but here we are: 100 posts. I wanted to do something special for this post as it’s a pretty important milestone in ending the scourge of bears all around us. I got a suggestion (thanks Joe) to name the 100 worst bears in history for this post but that’s a ton of criticism.

And I’m just not a long distance blogger, ya know? Not my style. Not how I role. I like to get in, jab a bit, make ‘em cry and then pull out and savor the victory. In the blogging world maybe I’m a sprinter. The best damned sprinter around. Like a state champ or something. That guy with all the gold medals and trophies you wish you were in high school. That’s me. but enough about me, let’s get to the bears. So I refuse to write about 100 bears, but I did find an interesting list. If you go here you’ll see a list of the “10 Cutest Bear Videos On YouTube”. Now cmon, you know me, and you know there’s no way I can stand for this shit. Time to put on the hatred hat and show these fuckers who’s boss. So let’s begin, shall we? Let’s criticize all ten of these motherfuckers in order and start off the New Year correctly. Before I start, if you like reading this I’d love it if you recommended this blog for some publicity on Tumblr. Click here to do so: http://www.tumblr.com/directory/recommend

1. Never Ending Sneezing Bear
   
   Ohhh we’ve met before sir. I believe last time I spiced this joker up with some Dragonforce so I won’t diddle too long here. This bear is a mess. Just allergies out the ass here. We have doctors. Humans > Bears. Get with the program, bears.
2. Sneezing Baby Panda
   
   Maannnnn I fucking hate this video. It feels like every time I tell a girl at the bar Yeah I run a bear blog she’s all “OMGGGGROFLGG HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SNEEZING PANDA!?” YES I’VE SEEN THAT FUCKING PANDA! I hate everything about this video. Fuckin’ lazy panda all freaked out over a baby sneezing. It happens man, just be ready for it. How the fuck is this a viral sensation?
3. Sleepy Bear Can’t Stay Awake
   
   All I’m going to say here is you never come to work that hungover, bro.  How do you expect to run your fucking cart when you can’t even stand up? Ridiculous. This is how you expect to provide for your family? Dammit bear I can’t even take you seriously. And what the fuck CNN? You filmed a bear on a cart for THAT LONG? And why are there animals sleeping EVERYWHERE?! Where the fuck is this? Napville?
4. Sleeping Polar Bear Cub
   
   WHAT THE FUCK BRO?! Two minutes of a sleeping polar bear having night terrors? That’s like watching a stuffed animal possessed by SATAN. I never want to sit on my bed again for fear some fake toy comes to life and does this. So terrifying. But seriously, two minutes of this shit?
5. Kung Fu Bear
   
   Oh Kung Fu Bear. I’ve meant to blog about you for a long time. This is one of the scariest fucking things I’ve ever seen. You know no one taught that bear how to use a stick (sword) so where did it LEARN!? Think if an army of these fuckers learned to do this? We can’t find bin Laden, whats makes us think we could stop kung fu bears? They’ll mesmerize us with their acrobatics and then just eat the shit out of us. Fuck Kung Fu Panda style.
6. Kung Fu Bear Finds A Lightsaber
   
   HOW THE FUCK DID THIS BEAR FIND A LIGHTSABER!? Like, ok, I don’t know everything about Star Wars, but I know you can’t touch the shiny side of the light saber! This bear doesn’t even give a fuck! He’s not even cutting off his limbs or anything. WHAT THE SHIT!? And didn’t only Jedi get lightsabers? A JEDI BEAR?! NOOOOO I don’t agree with this at all. None. At all. Bullshit. What if it can fly?
7. Polar Bears and Dogs Playing
   
   Never Neeevveer would I let my dog play with a polar bear. That’s like asking for a new pet. You’re dog is going to get eaten. There’s no qualms about it. And like, if you took your sled full of dogs out to the wild to hangout with polar bears and they all get eaten THEN WHAT? I saw Eight Below with Paul Walker and he doesn’t do well without those dogs man. Not at all. 
8. Knut The Cute Baby Polar Bear
   
   I don’t give a fuck about Knut. first polar bear born in Germany in 30 years? I don’t give a shit! Here in America we take care of our endangered animals! We don’t want celebrity animals like Knut. This guy is a hack. And Knut, what a name. Someone had a gross mind naming this bear. Fucked up, bro.
9. Mama Bear Shakes Baby From Tree
   
   I don’t care that this says it’s from Switzerland, this is one American-ass bear. Just an all around American approach to parenting. Probably a Down South Mother. Probably on the way to Wal-Mart with her cubs. No calling the fire-department for her kid stuck in a tree, no distress, just fucking shaking that tree til that kids falls out. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE JIMMY I TOLD YOU NOT TO CLIMB IT. I’LL COME UP THERE, DON’T YOU MAKE ME!! And then she just resorts to snapping the twig in half. That’s how you get business done. Never mess with Mama Bear.
10. Baby Panda Playing
    
    Ok I get it: cute panda bear playing with a soccer ball. They’re both black and white, they’re both rotund in shape, they’re both dumb as fuck, but I just don’t find it funny. Like, how many times can you watch a panda frolic in the underbrush? Not even once. I was bored before I even clicked watch. Man I hate pandas, and they’re NOT Christmasy, as I’ve said before. I wish Germany had all the pandas in the world, that way they’d be basically extinct. The Germany are REALLY irresponsible.

Sidenote: A few sidenotes here. Firstly, I searched for “vicious bear” for that beautiful montage above and Beyonce came up. No idea why, but that automatically made her included in this. Secondly, a couple of the videos above were pulled from the YouTubes so I found either the same or equivalent videos. Lastly, I really hope you find this blog funny, thank you all so much for all the submissions and PLEASE recommend this blog to Tumblr by clicking this link: http://www.tumblr.com/directory/recommend