Do you see this fucking bear? I feel like I’m in Star Wars or something. Mother fucking Darth Vader bear! This thing is scary as shit! It’s like every nightmare I’ve ever had all warped into one super frightening beast. And it doesn’t even look real!?!?. Anyway, I feel like Mother Nature just bitch slapped the fuck out of me because who knew Iran/Pakistan had bears? Isn’t it all desert and mine fields? Don’t bears need woods to murder? Can bears dodge mines?
So I had every intention of doing a Bro Bear update and then I came across this article and got bitched slapped a few more times. Firstly, apparently Iran and Pakistan do have bears, called the Baluchistan bear, but only like 20 of them. How the fuck do you have 20 bears? And then I read they thought it went extinct, but were wrong. Cmon how do you fuck that up? And apparently they figured all of this out at the International Conference on Bear Management & Research. There’s an international conference for this shit!? What the fuck. People actually are employed to meet and talk about bears? You’re cockdam kidding me. But I guess Iran and Pakistan don’t really give a fuck because neither country will put this dude on the endangered list. I like your style Iran/Pakistan. Keep the fight alive. If these bears can’t survive your wartorn wasteland on their own then fuck ‘em, right? No need to preserve a species ammirite?
Well who knew this would happen? Certainly not this guy. I never even expected to take on the lucrative role as a bear-hate blogger (official title: Bear Awareness Commentator) but here we are: 100 posts. I wanted to do something special for this post as it’s a pretty important milestone in ending the scourge of bears all around us. I got a suggestion (thanks Joe) to name the 100 worst bears in history for this post but that’s a ton of criticism.
And I’m just not a long distance blogger, ya know? Not my style. Not how I role. I like to get in, jab a bit, make ‘em cry and then pull out and savor the victory. In the blogging world maybe I’m a sprinter. The best damned sprinter around. Like a state champ or something. That guy with all the gold medals and trophies you wish you were in high school. That’s me. but enough about me, let’s get to the bears. So I refuse to write about 100 bears, but I did find an interesting list. If you go here you’ll see a list of the “10 Cutest Bear Videos On YouTube”. Now cmon, you know me, and you know there’s no way I can stand for this shit. Time to put on the hatred hat and show these fuckers who’s boss. So let’s begin, shall we? Let’s criticize all ten of these motherfuckers in order and start off the New Year correctly. Before I start, if you like reading this I’d love it if you recommended this blog for some publicity on Tumblr. Click here to do so: http://www.tumblr.com/directory/recommend
Sidenote: A few sidenotes here. Firstly, I searched for “vicious bear” for that beautiful montage above and Beyonce came up. No idea why, but that automatically made her included in this. Secondly, a couple of the videos above were pulled from the YouTubes so I found either the same or equivalent videos. Lastly, I really hope you find this blog funny, thank you all so much for all the submissions and PLEASE recommend this blog to Tumblr by clicking this link: http://www.tumblr.com/directory/recommend